Why Feeling Safe Comes Before Feeling Better
Feeling stuck, tired or emotionally “all over the place”? Learn why feeling safe in your body is the foundation of healing, and how to build nervous system safety through small somatic practices.
If you’re doing “all the right things”: therapy, movement, journaling, eating well, but you still don’t feel better, there’s a good chance your nervous system doesn’t feel safe yet.
And it’s not because you’re failing. It’s because your body is still scanning for threat.
Before the body allows ease, connection, clarity or change… it needs safety.
In this blog I’ll share:
what “feeling safe” actually means in the body (somatically + scientifically)
why safety is a biological prerequisite for change
signs your system is still in protection mode
small practices that help your nervous system recognise safety again
What “feeling safe” actually means in the body
When we say “I don’t feel safe”, we often think it means something dramatic is happening, or that we are in a risky environment. But nervous system safety is not only about what is happening around you.It is about what your body believes is happening.
Your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues. It listens to your environment, your internal sensations, your relationships, and your memories. It is not asking, “Is this situation logically safe?” It is asking, “Is there any chance I might need to protect myself right now?” That scanning process happens automatically and unconsciously. A lot of it is happening long before you have formed a thought.
This is why you can know you are safe intellectually, yet still feel on edge in your body.
This is why you can be in your own home with the doors locked and still feel like you cannot fully relax. Your body might not be responding to your current reality. It might be responding to a history of unpredictability, stress, emotional overwhelm, or experiences where it learned that it needed to stay alert.
This is one of the most compassionate re-frames I can offer you.
Your body is not “overreacting”. Your body is doing what it learned to do to keep you safe.
The science: why safety comes before change
Your nervous system has one primary job. To keep you alive. Not to make you happy. Not to help you feel fulfilled. Not to support your best habits. It keeps you alive. And it does that by detecting threat and organising your body to respond.When your nervous system senses danger, it activates protective states. These are designed to help you fight, run, freeze, or appease. They are not personal. They are biological.
So when you feel anxious, snappy, foggy, exhausted, or emotionally flat, it does not necessarily mean something has gone wrong. It may mean your system is prioritising protection. In somatic work, we often talk about how you cannot “think” your way out of survival mode, because survival mode is not a mindset issue. It is a body-based state. This is where the science gets really important and also really reassuring.
There is a concept called neuroception, which comes from polyvagal theory. Neuroception describes the nervous system’s ability to detect safety and danger without conscious awareness. Your body is constantly reading cues like facial expression, tone of voice, pace, eye contact, physical space, and even internal sensations like heart rate and breath. Your system makes a decision first, then your mind tries to explain it after.
This is why safety has to come first. Safety is the gateway into regulation, and regulation is the foundation for change. When the nervous system is regulated, the brain has access to the parts that support learning, planning, connection, and flexibility. When the nervous system is in survival mode, those parts go offline. The body redirects energy towards protection. So if you are trying to build new habits, make decisions, feel joy, or heal emotionally while your system still feels unsafe, it is going to feel like you are constantly pushing uphill. Not because you lack willpower.
It's because your body is prioritising survival.
Why “trying harder” often makes it worse
This is one of the hardest parts for many people to accept, especially in January, or in seasons where everyone seems to be talking about motivation and glow-ups. If your nervous system does not feel safe, the answer is usually not more effort. More effort can actually increase the sense of pressure and threat in the body. You might notice this in subtle ways such as you try to rest but your mind races, you try to slow down but your chest feels tight, you try to meditate but you feel irritated, emotional, or panicky, you try to “be positive” but it feels like you are gaslighting yourself
Th.is is not you being dramatic. This is your system responding to the loss of control, the reduction of stimulation, or the presence of sensation. For some people, being still feels dangerous, because stillness is where feeling lives. For others, slowing down removes the coping strategies that helped them survive in the first place. So it makes perfect sense if “self improvement” feels impossible right now. The nervous system cannot move into healing while it is still bracing.
First it needs to know, “I am not in danger. I can soften. I can settle. I can come back."
Signs your nervous system might not feel safe yet
Sometimes the clearest clue is not what you are thinking, but how your body is behaving.
Here are some common signs that your nervous system may still be in protection mode:
You are exhausted but you cannot properly rest.
You struggle to relax, even when you have time.
You feel behind, even when you are not.
You have a constant sense of urgency in your body.
You are easily startled, easily irritated, or easily overwhelmed.
Your sleep is light or broken, or your mind races at night.
You feel foggy, flat, numb, or disconnected.
You keep busy to avoid feeling.
You overthink everything, then struggle to make decisions.
You feel guilty when you are not doing something productive.
You find it hard to access joy, excitement, or creativity.
Your body feels tense, braced, or held, even when you are “relaxed”.
None of these are character flaws, they are nervous system responses. They are patterns your body learned for a reason.
Building safety in the body: the somatic approach
So how do we build safety? Not just talk about it, but help the body feel it. This is where somatic work becomes so powerful, because the body does not respond to being told it is safe. It responds to cues of safety. The aim is not to force calm. The aim is to create conditions where safety becomes possible, little by little, until the nervous system starts trusting life again.
Here are a few practices that are simple, grounded, and effective. You do not need to do them perfectly. The nervous system responds to repetition and gentleness, not intensity.
1) Orienting: helping the body recognise the present moment
When you have been stressed for a long time, your system can feel like it is still in the past. Orienting gently brings you back to now.
Try this:
Sit comfortably and slowly look around the room.
Turn your head, not just your eyes.
Name five things you can see.
Then name four things you can feel (feet on floor, fabric on skin, back against chair).
Let your exhale be slightly longer than your inhale.
You are not trying to relax. You are showing your body, “I am here. I am not being chased. This moment is different.”
2) Safety through the senses
Your nervous system responds powerfully to sensory input. Sometimes safety is not a concept, it is a sensation.
Try:
Hold a warm mug with both hands and feel the heat.
Wrap yourself in a blanket and notice the weight.
Smell something familiar and soothing.
Put your feet flat on the floor and gently press down.
Listen to music with a slow, steady rhythm.
The key is not distraction. The key is letting the body receive pleasant, steady cues.
3) Containment: when emotions feel too big
If you have been holding a lot for a long time, emotion can feel threatening. Containment helps your body feel held without being overwhelmed.
Try:
1.Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly.
2.Feel the contact of your palms.
3.Add gentle pressure, as if you are saying, “I am here with you.”
4.You can also sit with your back supported, or wrap your arms around yourself.
You are offering the nervous system a message of support, not intensity.
4) Micro-movements: completing stress energy
Stress responses create energy in the body. If the body does not get to move that energy through, it stays stuck.
Try:
Shake out your hands, arms, and legs gently for 30 seconds.
Do a slow wall push with your palms, like you are pushing the wall away.
March on the spot slowly.
Roll your shoulders and unclench your jaw.
Hum for a minute, letting the vibration soften your throat and chest.
Movement does not need to be big. It needs to be felt.
5) Co-regulation: safety in connection
Humans are wired for connection. A safe nervous system often comes from being with safe people If you have been doing everything alone, it makes sense that your system feels tired.
Try:
Send a voice note to someone who feels steady.
Sit in a calm café around gentle human energy.
Spend time with someone who does not need you to perform.
Notice what it feels like to be seen, heard, and accepted.
Safety is not just internal. Sometimes it is relational.
What “feeling better” looks like once safety grows
Feeling better is not always a huge breakthrough moment. A lot of the time, it arrives quietly. You might notice that you are less reactive. That you can pause before you respond That you can think more clearly. That you can access joy in ordinary moments. That your body feels softer. That you wake up with a little more energy. That you feel more like yourself again.
This is the nervous system moving out of protection and into regulation. From there, everything becomes easier. Not because life becomes perfect, but because your system is no longer bracing for impact.
A final reminder
If you are not feeling better yet, it does not mean you are stuck forever. It might simply mean your body is still doing the most important work first. Keeping you safe. When safety becomes a felt experience, healing becomes possible. Not because you force it.